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Jan. 9th, 2011

paint kitty

2010

Well, I haven't actually posted anything since about October. I guess nothing too exciting has happened! It's 2011 now, which is the year of the wedding. (and the royal one too haha)

I've been keeping journals and diaries for as long as I've been literate and it seems for the past few years that habit has been trailing off. I still intend to update occassionally but I no longer feel the desperate need for constant updating. I keep up with what my friends are up to through facebook mostly.

I guess apart from facebook the other reason that I don't update as much anymore is because so much of what I wrote used to be about crushes.... hoping people I fancied would read my journal, dropping hints in it, or even just talking excitedly about who I liked in what I believed to be a cryptic way! (haha)

Obviously, for the past five and a half years I've been happy with Eamon, which does mean I haven't really been having crushes and I expect that will only continue to be true. When I was younger I would still have crushes on guys when I was in serious relationships but I guess my hormones have died down quite a bit and now it's all about the one guy and how completely he fufills my every need - I really don't need any other romantic interests.

I also don't really keep a paper diary anymore either. I occassionally jot down choice words, phrases or bits of poetry, but nothing along the "dear diary" line of things. I feel a bit sad about this, but I've tried and tried to restart that side of my life and it just dosen't work if you aren't having crushes.

So, 2010. It was good. A year of wedding planning and working and nothing of real note I guess. I saved really hard for the wedding and also got myself out of debt with Eamon's help for the first time since beginning university. Photography features as my main hobby but I also spent a lot of time online, with facebook, swapping websites and arty stuff.

This was also the year I joined a gym of my free will! I've been going twice a week really, and although I dont think I've lost any weight I feel fitter and happier and I actually enjoy it more than I thought I would. The membership is up in July so I have a little time yet to enjoy it, but then we wont be able to afford it next year. It was really expensive.

Well, I hope everyone had good Christmas and New year celebrations and I will hopefully see most of you at the wedding in May! I'll update the wedding blog soon.

Oh, and I have about a million photos to upload from various things, promise to do this soon!

Oct. 13th, 2010

crown

Dear Idiot

If you think you know who this post is about, you may be leaping to the wrong conclusion. It isn't necessarily the obvious choice(s). If you are reading this, it is highly unlikely you are the intended recipient. This is something I've been storing up for a while and is in no way necessarily about anyone I have talked today/this week/this month.



And now, an (angry, passive-agressive) word from our sponsors.

I actually rate niceness fairly highly. I like kind, respectful people.

I really don't have any time to spare for sexist, arrogant, sizeist angry little men who insult me, talk over me and generally snub all my efforts to be freindly and nice.

Yes, we are very different people.

Yes, we struggle to find something to talk to each other about.

No, we don't approve of each others' life choices.

But the difference between you and me is that I try to be pleasent to make things easier for others, and you obviously don't give a shit about anyone but yourself.

Believe me, I wouldn't choose to be in your compnay any more than you would choose to be in mine, but I actually give a crap about making this work for the sake of people I care about.

Contary to your beliefs, I am not a "dumb bitch". I notice every little jibe you make in my direction, every time you pretend not to understand what I'm talking about in an effort to make me feel stupid, every time you gang up with others to pick on me... every time you ridicule my opinion, tell me my jokes aren't funny or imply that you find my size disgusting and act as if my IQ is lower than yours. I notice it.

And all that stuff? It hurts. Even though I have no respect left for you or your views, I would still prefer to be accepted and liked. Perhaps you could spare a thought for the fact that I'm a visitor here, in a vulnerable position.... not surrounded by my family and friends like you are. It's easy to be as arrogant as you when you are surrounded by your support network.

Well I've got news for you. I'm not stupid. I make small talk and say inane things because I'm shy, socially awkward and desperately trying to fill the horrible silences. I think I'm actually quite a bit smarter, nicer and better educated than you. I'm certainly a hell of a lot less shallow.

Being nasty, making cutting comments and sly insults does not make you clever, it makes you mean. Congratualtions! You are better at being mean than I am. Hurrah for you.

But here's the thing. I know your game. I will not visibly rise to it. You got away without having a drink thrown in your face tonight because you simply aren't worth the effort, and I don't want to upset people I actually DO respect who for some reason still like you. I'll keep on acting like your disdain dosen't bother me, like I'm too stupid to notice your comments. And in the end, I know you are making me miserable because my life is great and your life is such a complete failure. That's fine. I get that.

But stop taking out the fact that you are a total loser on me.

That's all.

Sep. 27th, 2010

crown

...

I have a particually stressful day anticipated at work today... so not really looking forward to going in. At least I don't start til 1pm, but then I have to work til 8.15pm, and then we need to go to the supermarket. Sigh.

Last week was challenging too...there was one day that really pushed all my limits of what scared me and took me right out of my comfort zone. Still, only two weeks until I go to Ireland with Eamon.

A bit down about stuff like dieting at the moment.

Sep. 24th, 2010

crown

phobia

aaaand.... there's a spider in the wardrobe.

It's dead, but it's stuck to one of my favortite tops and it wont hoover off.

I am so freaked out right now that all the hair on my arms is standing up and I am covered in goosebumps.

I feel like I want to wash A: my skin B: all my clothes and C: the world.

My skin is prickling all over, making me feel like the little feckers are running about on me all over. Urgh. Spiders really make me have an extreme physical as well as mental reaction.

I'm glad it was dead not alive or I would be freaked out even more, but knowing it was alive at some point and living in my wardrobe is just too much to bear. I keep feeling shivvers running through my whole body. I bloody hate spiders.

I know not everyone loves them, and many are scared of them, but I believe I have something of an extreme phobia. Several people have told me in the last year or so "Oh I'm phobic about spiders" but then have gone on to tell me how they would consider holding a tarantula or have done so in the past. If they were properly phobic there would be very few things in this universe that would make them even be in the same room as a tarantula, and most of them would involve threats to their life or the lives of others.

One woman told me she held one outside tesco as they had a minibeast zoo there... and that holding it was so scary it made her cry. Yes, that means she was scared but I still think I am much worse because you would literally have to threaten my life to get me to even be within 10 meters of one knowingly.

When me and Eamon buy a house we have already agreed that we will have to ask our neighbours if they have pet spiders or any plan to get them before we move in, as I could not knowingly live next door to one. To be honest, even knowing someone in the same street as me owned one would give me nightmares.

Sometimes people say I should get therapy for it, but I wont because I know the way they cure you is to expose you to spiders. Sure, they start small with photos and pictures but they are bound to want you to hold one in the end.

I can't even look at photos of them anyway... and if they come on tv I have to close my eyes.

To me though there isn't a huge difference between how a biggish spider makes me feel and how a tarrantula would make me feel... sure I would be a bit more scared but I can't really get more scared than I am of normal ones anyway. I guess the only way I could get more scared is to actually pass out on the sight of it, as I already have panic attacks and burst into tears and feel sick just seeing normal ones.

The thing I really hate is that they get into your territory unnoticed... they sneak in and you don't know how thet got in or how long they have been there or where they have been and what they've been doing... they just appear one day and they could have been hiding in your socks for months without you knowing... you could have unknowingly brushed against them or they could have run over you in the night while you were sleeping.... urgh!

The only people I can imagine who are more phobic than me are people who actually pass out when seeing a spider, or people who are scared even of those tiny ones the size of ants. The tiny ones don't bother me, but as soon as they are bigger than a speck they do. If they were the size of my little fingernail I would still be freaked. I can only cope if they are litterally like a grain of coffee sized.

I have moved house 3 days early because of a spider, I have cried, I have left home for several days... of course the worst spider is the spider you see or see the webs of but don't catch, so you know it is out there somewhere but you don't know where.

There was a big spider in the corridor yesterday and I took the lift to avoid it. Then it was gone. Where did it go? It was even bigger than the one in my wardrobe.

Still so freaked out, I can't stop chills running through me. Going to have to wait until Eamon comes home to deal with the dead one as it wont hoover up. Ugh. I feel like I want to take all my skin off to make sure there are no spiders on it. I feel like I want to scrub myself with a scourer for hours :( They just make me feel... contaminated. I swear, one day someone will proove they are actually evil and the cause of all the world's ills.

Sep. 17th, 2010

crown

fat day

Having a down day about my weight. Bit sick of the fact I don't actually eat more/worse than some of my friends who are really slim, I go to the gym twice a week and yet still so overweight. A mirror in the changing rooms of Evans showed me an unflattering side view of myself I don't normally see that depressed me muchly.

I just don't get it... I mean... I used to eat much much much worse than I do now for years and years and not excersise at all, yet I am the same weight. It dosen't seem fair somehow. I'm lucky that Eamon loves me the way I am, because if I was single I would totally traumatised by the way I look (even more than I am now) and believe that I would never find someone who could like me the way I am.

Sigh.

It's just... if I'm going to be fat and ugly, then I should get the upside of getting to eat lots of yummy food...everyone who looks at me is going to assume I've been doing that anwyay. Instead I resist so many lovely things to eat and try hard and still look as though I eat doughnuts. It's such a shame not to be able to enjoy things like ben & jerry's, chocolate cake, cheese that isn't low fat, pizza and pancakes, then get no reward for leaving them alone.

I don't get it. Is it being diabetic? The insulin? Something wierd in my metabolism?

The annoying thing is most of it sits around my waist. My legs look really out of proportion because they are much slimmer (and no, I'm not pregnant!!)

How I looked today in the changing room:




Sure I'll feel better about this later, but today is definately a down day, if only because all my effort just seems so pointless. There's no differece between me being this size and me weighing 20 stone, it looks equally unattractive, but at least at 20 stone I would be allowed to eat nice things!
crown

Short Update

Finally getting over my cold hurrah! ... which means it's time to hit the gym.

One of my very best friends goes into hospital for an operation today. I'm sure she'll be fine, but I know I'll breathe a little easier when I know she's awake again.

Eamon's birthday tommorrow too... but I have to work it :( His pressies are all wrapped anyway.

Sep. 12th, 2010

kenshin

'Tis Sunday, Yeah.

More nights of remembering my dreams. In one Eamon was building a life size lego house and I was hunting lions through the streets of York.

Lovely day yesterday for our 5th anniversary. Got up and went into town, browsed some shops and I found a bracelet to wear at the wedding that matches a necklace and earrings I already bought. Looked around the Yorkshire museum to see what it was like now it was refurbished. (it seems good, although not as good as when I was little and they had moving dinosaurs!)

Then we had a drink in the sunshine in a beer garden of a pub near the river, did some more shopping, shared an ice cream, and hid in the evil eye bar from the rain, sipping cocktails and eating these amazing chips they do there. After that we headed home and got changed, before coming out to have dinner at the assembly rooms.

Eamon also bought a silly boardgame about world domination and terrorism where you get to wear a balaclava that says "evil" on it when you are playing the bad guys. We carried this boardgame all around town without a bag or anything only to realise what date it was... oops.

Got to spend today tidying and cleaning for an inspection midweek as I wont have any more days off before then. Then to the gym, which is made a lot more bearable by little audiobooks called playaways that we do at work. You just plug in some headphones and put in a battery and away it goes, like a little preloaded mp3 player... very useful for the gym or when out walking.

Reading a lot more manga at the moment, decided to re-read all of Ranma 1/2 as I own all the volumes, then decided to expand my Rurouni Kenshin collection so I now own half of all those volumes too... have sampled Rumiko Takahashi's new series Rin-Ne by getting the first volume and have bought volumes 1 & 2 of Inuyasha again - lent to a friend long ago and never returned, which brings me up to about vol. 9 of that (although I think there is a scary ammount of books in that series, maybe 50 or something?)

Eamon's birthday next weekend, he will be 27.

Beautifully sunny day outside, alas! Why must I stay in and clean? *mope*

Sep. 10th, 2010

crown

More dreams

Another night of the dreams... this time not so nice... an anxiety dream that I was packing for a holdiday but wouldn't be able to pack everything in time for the flight, and a nightmare about euthanasia and cancer etc.

Was very glad to wake up this morning and find I had been dreaming!

Tommorrow will be my 5 year anniversary with Eamon. We have plans to act like tourists in York and go to the newly refurbished Yorkshire Museum (which is free to residents) and generally picnic/sit in beer gardens/go for walks (all of which are weather dependent to some degree) then go out for dinner in the evening. We'll exchange cards but we already bought each other presents recently for no reason so we've decided to call these our anniversary presents even though we already had them!

Eamon got me (for some reason) a giant lego alligator. It is very cute. It's name is sandwich. I even managed to build it even though it was complicated and I have about the same ability to read and follow instructions as the average banana.

I got him the original 3 star wars movies on dvd, as we discovered we only had them on video. Shockingly, we've also discovered that some of the buffy we own is only on video too, so this may need sorting out some time soon as we were starting to fancy rewatching all of buffy/angel in the near future.

What else? Well, Autumn seems to be coming, which is wonderful. Not quite fast enough for my taste, but definately on its way. September is a wonderful time... I suppose because it always used to be the start of the academic year, which promised romance and opportunity. It was always wonderful if you had been away all summer and then got to come back to school and see your crush and your friends and feel the year stretching out ahead of you full of oppurtunities.

I think I still consider September more of a "new year" than I do January.

The leaves are slowly starting to turn, so I must get out the camera and take a trip to some woodlands in a few weeks maybe. I still haven't sorted and uploaded the photos from Suffolk. Must do that soon, I think I'll start that today.

Sep. 9th, 2010

crown

Dreaming

So, I've had 4 nights in a row of bizarre dreams lately.

The first night I dreamed I was trying to sleep in a car for some reason, and a sales insurance call on my mobile at 3am woke me up so I shouted at the guy on the other end of the phone. (this actually made me realise that call centers abroad probably ring us when it is a really antisocial hour for them which hadn't occured to me before.)

The seccond night I dreamed that I had already been to my own wedding but couldn't remember it - something to do with an evil fairy cursing me to forget? - and that I got to the reception to find there was no photographer, no dj etc etc.

I think this is because the wedding is only about 8 months away now and I'm getting a bit nervous about it. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any doubts but the planning and the pressure is a little scary. We still don't have a dj, a photographer, a hair dresser, the bridesmaides dresses... and so on. Sometimes I wish someone else could just do it all for me, but we can't afford a wedding planner.

Having to get everything right, planning everything down to the last detail then having to relinquish that controll on the day is a very hard concept, especially for a controll freak like me. Plus, it is all a bit mind-blowing when you think that this will be FOREVER once it occurs... and it is possibly the most important day of my life. But no pressure, 'onest guvnor.

The third night, I dreamed I was staying in a dark and dusty hotel, but one night it burned to the ground and although I escaped I left all my possessions behind, then couldn't remember what had been in my suitcase in order to replace it.

Last night I had many dreams. I had one where I was walking along a pier type structure but it went along the shore instead of out to sea... and it had two layers. On the upper layer were houses with glass fronts and decking and little rocking chairs outside and lots of old people lived in them and they were watching a scene unfold down at the beach. A young woman was being cast into the sea for being sinful, and the old ladies were approving of this punishment.

Then I dreamed that I was in a dark forrest trying to get somewhere or find something and there were creatures in the forrest... furry with big sharp teeth, about the size of a tiger, that could appear and disapper at will, and the only way to subdue them was to hum at the right pitch continually or to feed them a small white flower every few secconds that grew in the forrest.

Then I dreamed there was a big tank full of lizards and geckos and I put a toy gecko in the tank with them and it came alive. They were very cute.

I also dreamed about someone important from the past...we were on a bus just catching up, seeing each other face to face for the first time in years, despite never daring to hope to see them again.

Well, this often happens to me in a way that I will not remember a dream for ages and then remember them for a few nights in a row. I know we dream every night and that remembering your dreams is all to do with what cycle of sleep you are in at what time, but apparently Eamon hasn't remembered a single dream since he was a child, whereas I remember at least a dozen a year. I wonder how many other people remember? When I remember them, the emotion of them flavours my whole day, so that sad dreams make me sad for hours. Today.... nostalgia.

Aug. 23rd, 2010

crown

August

Having one of those days where I literally have to *run* around my workplace because we are so busy and so short staffed. Morale is low. The summer holidays bring chaos. It was my late night and various things went wrong that shouldn't have done at the last possible minute so I couldn't even sort them out. Arg.

The gym progresses well.... in the sense that I go at least twice a week and it feels hard. Don't think I've lost any inches yet though. The hot tub is nice outside in the outdoor pool area, and I enjoy having somewhere to go at weekends that has a purpose and I don't have to think too hard about.

Next Monday is bank holiday :D

Eamon's birthday in less than month.

Wedding draws closer. 8 months or so? Honeymoon booked. Must update wedding blog. Ordered a necklace to wear on the day but it didn't go with the dress so ordered a different one. Waiting for it to come. We'll see.

Stresssssssed.

Made cards the other evening though, that was therapeutic. And gluey.

Hurry up Autumn. I Want pretty coloured trees and fireworks and cold blue days and buttoned up coats and snuggly socks and hot chocolate and starry nights and misty breath and roast dinners and hot water bottles and good hair that isn't fried by the humidity.

Would write more, but brain is still fizzing from crazy day at work, and annoyance that I can't fix the problems till tommorrow at least.

7-ish weeks til next Holiday - over to Ireland to see Eamon's folks.

Want Parsnips.

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